I KNOW IT'S HARD, BUT WHAT ABOUT ADOPTION?
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From: Janet T.
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008, 7:25 AM
Subject: I know it's hard, but what about ADOPTION?
Reply to: 264621
ID: 264879

Dear Nancy why did you want your daughter to be adopted at age 21? Just wondering what a 21 year old is agreeing to be adopted for? I can imagine it was painful for your daughter to have such a casual father. I know men who would do exactly the same thing. They have asbergers, a condition of having no empathy. Many men suffer it. It may help your daughter if this were the case with her father. It has helped me to understand the stangeness of this disease that has effected some close friends in my life. best wishes janet

--- On Thu, Sep 18, 2008, in msg264621, Nancy Ayer wrote ---

In the new Evolutionary Women’s book, I write about the separation between mother and daughter. Although I can only write of my own feelings surrounding my experiences, and not my daughter’s, I feel I can see into parts of her anger and reasons for her rejection of me. What I did not mention in my story (that I feel is a large part of my daughter’s anger) surrounds her own adoption at the age of 21 by my husband.

Before this adoption could be initiated, we were told we had to secure her real father’s permission. I remember so well her surprise and tearful reaction at the immediate willingness of her father to agree to the adoption.

While the relationship with her step-father, my husband, has been a good thing for her, she dropped all contact with her real father, and he with her. The adoption brought great anguish to my daughter back then – and I dare say, at least unconsciously, today there is an anger that resides deep in her heart at her feelings of being rejected by her father. I might add that in today’s patriarchal society, it often seems easier to blame the mother; she isn’t going anywhere. These discussions on adoption have caused me to ponder anew the depth of pain and suffering adoptions at any age can cause for all concerned – and for us, back then, it was all in the name of “we can do it better”. Well, those are past times, times I can not change. But pondering those times and then reading these on line discussions about a more conscious way to look at adoption, brings a deeper compassion into my heart, not only for my daughter, but surprisingly, for her real father, my former husband. Thanks for the discussion. Nancy Ayer

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